“Where’s your faith?”

Funny how easy it is to ask someone else that question.

Until life puts you in the same box.

This morning, my sister and I got to the bus stop and she was trying to catch up with a bus that had already left our stop and was heading to the next one.

I had already boarded a keke, so I told her to enter with me. I figured she would meet up with the bus at the next bus stop.

She looked at me and said, “Mma, I won’t be able to meet it.”

And without even thinking, I said:

“Don’t you have faith?”

The irony hit me almost immediately.

Because last night was an emotional rollercoaster for me.

I was questioning God. I was worried. I was overwhelmed. At some point, I even told God He was trying to rage-bait me. lol

Yes. Me and God were having a moment.

Sometimes, God has a funny way of holding up a mirror and saying, “uhmm, Excuse me.. remember what you just told her?

But somewhere between telling my sister to have faith and thinking about my own night, I realized something uncomfortable:

I hadn’t been putting my own faith to work.

I had allowed fear and panic to take over so completely that I had almost spiralled into a dark place.

It’s easy to tell someone, “Have faith. Everything will be fine. Trust God.”

But when you’re the one in the storm?

When the phone call comes.

When the plans fall apart.

When the answer you’ve been praying for still hasn’t come.

When you genuinely have no idea how things will work out…

Suddenly, faith becomes a lot harder.

Fear gets loud.

What if this doesn’t work out?

What if things get worse?

What if I can’t handle this?

And before you know it, you’re no longer looking at what could be possible. You’re staring at everything that could go wrong.

Faith doesn’t mean you never panic.

It doesn’t mean you won’t have questions.

It doesn’t mean you won’t cry, worry or have moments where you say, “God, what exactly are you doing?”

Faith can exist alongside fear.

You can be scared and still believe.

You can be confused and still trust.

You can have a really bad night and still wake up the next morning and choose faith again.

I think that’s what I needed to remember.

I don’t have to pretend I’m not afraid.

I just can’t allow fear to become louder than what I believe.

Because sometimes, faith isn’t standing confidently on a mountain  shouting, “I know everything will work out!”

Sometimes, faith is standing in the middle of your mess, wiping your tears and whispering:

“I don’t know how this will work out, but I refuse to believe this is the end.”

And maybe that’s enough.

So, the next time you find yourself panicking, questioning everything or wondering where your faith has gone, remember:

Fear may be in the room, but it doesn’t have to be in charge.

Because faith isn’t always the absence of fear.

Sometimes, faith is being afraid and choosing to hold on anyway.