A Four-Part Comedy

EPISODE TWO: WHO GAVE HER AUTHORITY?

By the time I stepped down from the stage, I had received three requests, two complaints, and one compliment about my professionalism.

Professionalism? Dey play!! lol

I had not even located the toilet.

A young man approached me.

“Ma, the DJ is asking if he should start playing.”

“Tell him to play music.”

“Which kind of music, ma?”

I stared at him.

“Brother, the wedding kind.”

He nodded as though I had just shared a classified instruction and hurried away.

I needed to leave. Immediately.

But before I could take three steps, a woman in a fitted black outfit appeared in front of me, holding a clipboard and looking like she had personally fought the devil to make this wedding happen.

“Excuse me. Who are you?”

For the first time that afternoon, someone had asked me a sensible question.

“I’m Kemi. A guest. Thank you for asking.”

She frowned.

“I’m Bisi. The actual event coordinator.”

I nearly hugged her.

“Bisi! My sister! My deliverer! Please, take your job back.”

She stared at me.

“My job?”

I explained everything in one breath.

Bisi listened with the exhausted expression of a woman reconsidering every career decision she had ever made.

“So the MC introduced you as the coordinator?”

“Yes.”

“And you accepted the microphone?”

“He practically threw it at me!”

“And you promised them food?”

“I said it would be served shortly. I was under pressure.”

Bisi closed her eyes.

“Jesus.”

“Exactly. I’ve been calling on Him since I arrived.”

She took a deep breath and headed towards the stage to reclaim her position.

At last, I was free.

I could return to my seat, eat, and pretend the last thirty minutes had been a strange dream.

Then Femi appeared.

“Ah, Kemi! I’ve been looking for you.”

“Why?”

“To help.”

I took a step backwards.

“Femi, the most helpful thing you can do for me right now is to avoid me.”

He ignored me.

“I’ve spoken to the DJ. I told him to play more upbeat music.”

“Who asked you to?”

“Your team needs energy.”

“My team?”

He gestured towards the stage, where Bisi was trying to get the programme back on track.

“Look at them. They’re confused. We need to restore order.”

Femi had been at this wedding for less than an hour and had already created a management structure.

Within minutes, he had instructed two ushers to rearrange chairs and promised Aunty Sade that the bride’s entrance would happen “very soon.”

Bisi returned just in time to hear him.

“Who authorised this?”

Femi pointed at me.

I pointed at Femi.

We looked like two confused politicians dodging a scandal.

Bisi folded her arms.

“Please, nobody should do anything without consulting me.”

“Of course,” I said.

“Absolutely,” Femi added.

Five minutes later, a waiter approached us with a tray of drinks.

“Madam, should we bring these out now?”

I opened my mouth to redirect him to Bisi.

Femi answered first.

“Yes, yes. Bring them out.”

Bisi turned slowly.

Femi smiled. “I was only helping.”

“Please stop helping,” Bisi said.

He looked genuinely wounded.

I almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

The waiter left with his tray, apparently deciding that the safest place for the drinks was wherever nobody could find them.

Meanwhile, Aunty Sade had adopted me.

She followed me around the venue, asking questions with the confidence of someone who had personally paid for the entire event.

“Madam Coordinator, why are the drinks not moving?”

“Please ask Bisi. She’s the coordinator.”

“Ah, yes, that one with the clipboard. I know she’s in charge. But you seem to know what’s going on.”

I stared at her.

Aunty, I had been at this wedding for less time than it takes some people to finish a plate of amala!

I tried one final explanation.

“Aunty, I am not in charge of anything here.”

She waved her hand.

“My dear, I know. But you’re already involved, so help us small.”

I wanted to explain that I don’t do unpaid labour, but I was raised well.

Mostly. lol

Then MC Busybody grabbed the microphone.

“Ladies and gentlemen, a little adjustment to our programme! We shall now be having a special announcement from our coordinator!”

My head snapped towards him.

Bisi’s head snapped towards him.

Femi looked delighted.

That man was determined to make me a permanent feature of this wedding.

“MC Busybody!” I shouted.

He smiled. “Yes, ma!”

“Can I have a word with you?”

“Of course, ma. Please come forward!”

The crowd began clapping.

I stood still.

Bisi leaned towards me. “Please don’t go.”

“Madam, I have no intention of going near that stage again.”

Then Aunty Sade appeared beside us.

“My dear, go and talk. These people are waiting.”

I stared at her.

“Aunty, if I go up there again, I may need to collect a salary.”

She waved me towards the stage.

“Don’t worry. God will reward you.”

As how!!!!

I looked towards the ceiling.

Lord, I appreciate the reward system, but cash would be nice.

TO BE CONTINUED…